It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
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You think 2020 is bad, wait till 2025 when the Murder Ladybugs invade.
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
I used the words skulduggery and malfeasance in a tweet today and it made me feel inordinately happy.
It was in this tweet, but that still counts right?
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
I didn’t know children could be old enough to eat $70 worth of sushi but still have to be told to flush the toilet after every use
One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.