If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
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Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Maybe cats always look like they’re planning our demise because we keep calling them things like mrs snugglepaws the second
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
The only equipped I am is ill.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
Raisins are grape jerky.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Shoo shoo! 😂
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
I fantasize about you, but I also fantasize about the day I’ll show someone up in a dance battle, so it’s not saying much.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters