“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
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I’m not wrong
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Husband: Um, what are you doing?
Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor
Husband:…
Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Last minute gift idea:
Give someone a bucket of water and tell them your sorry their ice sculpture melted
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
i think my razor is having a panic attack
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Her: “chicks dig scars”
Wolverine: “damn it”
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?