What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
You Might Also Like
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
I saw an attractive girl in the UK and said to her “you look like a million pounds”. That’s how I got this black eye.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
My love language is hissing.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Every morning I ask how my daughter is doing and she in turn asks me how Beyoncé is doing. I said why can’t you ask how I’m doing too and she says she will when I sound more like Beyoncé.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’
~pharmaceutical ads
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
For when Tinder doesn’t work