12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
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ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
Me: I’ll take ‘Marriage’ for 800 Alex
Alex: Having one wife too many
Me: What is bigamy
Alex: Nooo. We were looking for, what is monogamy
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
termite twitter scares me
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this