I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
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FURNITURE MAKER WHO SECRETLY HATES HIS WIFE: Honey I created a new type of cabinet. I’m gonna name it after you
SUSAN: Aw baby that’s sweet
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
My “my wife is not having an affair with her karate teacher” headline is raising a lot of questions already answered by my headline.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
ME: I wish I was a little bit taller
GENIE: done
M: I wish I was a baller
G: done
M: I wish I knew the rest of the lyrics
G: done
M: dammit
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
I went on my daughter’s movie field trip with her class so of course I snuck in snacks and she snitched on me to her teacher then had the audacity to ask me to share
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Townspeople: [shaking pitchforks at me] BURN THE WITCH
Me: lmao go ahead I can take it
Townspeople: you have a dumb face
Me: [tearing up] ok I was wrong I can’t take it
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
I’m an asshole.
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