It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
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People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
accurate
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
My only stock options are chicken and beef.
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
You are the pebble in my shoe of people.
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
GLINDA: Are you a good witch or a bad witch?
DOROTHY: I’m not a witch at all! Witches are old and ugly.
GLINDA: Only bad witches are ugly.
DOROTHY:
GLINDA:
DOROTHY: You literally just asked if I was a bad witch.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Kinda cool how Earth is the largest planet in the whole world.