Imagine your relief if you had a dream your daughter was dating a DJ then woke up & remembered she was dating a ferris wheel operator.
You Might Also Like
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Do you want to taunt a snowman?
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
Just a phase…
But that’s none of my business
I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
need a new bf mines broken 😐
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
My interior decorator quit on her first day on the job.
I told her to paint all the walls in my house to be green screens.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
Oh deer
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”