Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
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wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.