According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
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doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
The news
[Job interview]
employer: oh! ou’ve brought a cat with you!
me: I hope that’s ok-
emp: when can he start?
me: WHAT?!
cat: meow
emp: great!
me: *shouts* good luck finding a ride, cat!
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
Brilliant!
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy