I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
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Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
I was bored.
WIFE: why is there a chicken wearing glasses in our living room
ME: he’s my new friend
CHICKEN: *pecks at the floor and his glasses fall off*
ME: oh no where did Cluck Kent go
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.