Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
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Your honor? My client would like to address the court and ruin everything.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
Getting schooled in Minecraft by a 6 year old. Looks like someone is about to find out Santa Claus isn’t real.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!