got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
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do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
My neck my back my allergy attack
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*