AM I BEING GASLIT????
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The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
fr
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is