How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
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I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
R.I.P.
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
It’s nice to feel wanted. Even if it’s by the FBI.