Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
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Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?
[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
[eulogy]
line?
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing