“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
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him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
[ad for florist]
Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
[date]
HER: So what’s your spirit animal?
ME: Roosters.
HER: Lol, why?
ME: *leans in close* I also start my day screaming.
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
I always carry a megaphone in my purse, in case I wander off and get lost at Costco.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
But wait…