just leave it at the foot of the bed
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If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
Are you tired of greasy pots and pans? Stubborn kitchen stains? Messy sponges and sprays? Me too. I wish the sun would devour the earth.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
*pronounces “naked” like “baked”
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Yup
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.