KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
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I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]