When you want to key his car, but he doesn’t have one, so you bend his bus pass.
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Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Pizza is an emotion right?
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.