When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
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Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
This is sending me to another galaxy
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
*reading of my will*
Executor: ‘Ahem. Dearly beloved…and also to my immediate family…’
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
The 5 Love Languages
Physical Touch: my loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Gift Giving: give me a sign
Acts of Service: hit me baby one more time
I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.
I said, “Do you comb hair often?”
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?
Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad