My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
You Might Also Like
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
I hired a PR team.
They said the public would like me more if I stopped executing people.
I executed the PR team.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
“HELP WITH CAT”