My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
You Might Also Like
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
You think you’ve doing an okay job as a parent, and then you learn your 8 year-old has only been pretending to brush his teeth for two months.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Skills
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.