[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
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There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
My work here is don’t.
Do not play Yahtzee with squirrels
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
He took both kids grocery shopping by himself so I could “relax” so now I’m sitting here suspicious that he’s done something to piss me off.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Me: You gotta get dressed, kiddo, we’re leaving soon.
7yo:
Me: Get dressed, please.
7yo:
Me: Please get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Hurry up and get dressed.
7yo:
Me: Put your clothes on.
7yo:
Me: We have to leave in 3 minutes!
7yo:
Me: GET DRESSED RIGHT NOW!!!!!
7yo: Ok! Don’t yell at me!
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
The key to a successful marriage is flattering your partner on what they do good.
My marriage failed because she never appreciate how good I am at ignoring her.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.