Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
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When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
my dentist hates when i call him a face gynecologist