Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
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If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
don’t we all
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
why isn’t he texting back
I see your IQ test came back negative
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
‘A confident swipe of the debit card’ is my favorite fantasy.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok