He just like my cat fr
You Might Also Like
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
This is Bill
Bill has a wife
Bill isn’t scared of his wife & says what he wants when he..This is Bill’s wife
Bill is no longer available
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.