I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
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Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
No intelligent people were harmed in the reading of this tweet
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
FINE, I WON’T.
Everyone’s gangsta till you’re waiting on your dog to poop.
I found a video of a duck falling asleep and I’m convinced it’s the cutest video ever
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
if your body is a temple then mine is a haunted house on Scooby Doo
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard