I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
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[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.
I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!”
*passionately grabs your face and starts French kissing your forehead*
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
I’m giving up ice.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
*both typing*
5:02pm
you: babe i love you5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol