My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
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For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
I made up all these romantic scenarios in my brain and you’re not following the script, bro
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Netflix would be a great dating site. “Here are 20 other singles in your area who have also watched Shameless for 7 straight hours.”
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
What’s your WiFi pw?
kneeshowerbaseball
All caps?
Yes; all lowercase.
What?
It’s all caps, but all lowercase.
Is there a Starbucks nearby?