I only use ‘sir’ disrespectfully.
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Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
[at wine tasting]
Hmm yes, very good. a slight smokey undertone.
“Sir, you just put your cigarette in your wine”
Strong smokey undertone
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Cat.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Can you imagine liking anyone well enough to go into pairs figure skating?
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
one time my uncle showed up to thanksgiving dinner with a leprechaun who was wanted by the fbi in 12 states & that night changed our family from being simple, uneducated hill folk to simple, uneducated hill folk who now knew a dangerous leprechaun
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy