*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
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I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
My husband started cooking right after I had cleaned the whole kitchen so he’s basically asking for a divorce.
When I was a kid, I had this game called ‘Worm Church,’ where I’d bring Worms to my room and read them the Bible.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
Spoiler Alert: I was late