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This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta
Favourite diary entry ever
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Wouldn’t it be WAY weirder if Taylor Swift DIDN’T get all excited at her boyfriend’s games? Like, what if she just sat there, stone-faced?
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?