[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
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Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Couples who finish each other’s sentences have killed before and will kill again.
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.
Welcome
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
My parents ruined my childhood by not moving to a small town with a dark secret that i could uncover with a group of misfits
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.