Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
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“Your dinner is good, but my taste buds can’t appreciate it” my son said, so I guess he’ll have a great career in politics
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
“I bring you news from the front, m’lord. Food bowls are empty, litter boxes are full, and the natives are getting restless.”
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
One time I drove to the gym and just sat in the car and listened to music. My gym is right next to a bakery and the smell of it lured me out and I went in and got a buttered bagel. I sat in my car eating my bagel watching people go in and out of the gym.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti