Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
You Might Also Like
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Holy crap this is wonderful
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Any family visit eventually has the Agatha Christie detective moment where someone explains at length whose fault it is everyone has a cold.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Hear toddler having meltdown at Target
Me: Parents should control their kids!
Cashier: Isn’t she yours?
Me:
C: I saw her come in with you.