War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
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Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
Me: What should we grow?
4-year-old: Tomatoes!
[1 week later]
Me: Look, the tomato plants sprouted!
4: Ugh, I hate tomatoes why would you grow those?
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
My Dog: *quiet, with his ears folded like little fortune cookies*
Me: WHAT DID YOU DO
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
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No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
I’m convinced the first ‘Kirsten’ was a typo. Everyone was like, “Yeah, obvious misspelling but she’s pretty cool so whatever,” and now we can’t get rid of ‘em because we let that first one slide
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.