“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
You Might Also Like
“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
I think I’ll stand
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
My friend told me he weighs himself before and after going to the toilet to see how much his shit weighs and honestly that’s so much better than my method
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
I feel seen
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
Me: What are you doing sweet girl
4yo: Making my dolls eat brains.Help.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
“the rat is not ratatouille, the rat’s name is remy” is the 2000s version of “his name is not frankenstein, he’s frankenstein’s monster”
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?
I hate when friends send me home with leftovers in plastic containers. “Here, you throw this food away and then clean the containers.”