Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
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Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
Ugh
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
my toddler is screaming because I’m wearing earplugs because my toddler is screaming
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
I attended a beautiful wedding today for my 8yo’s toy lizard. If Ronald and Liz can find each other, there’s hope for us all.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.