My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
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If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Sorry to the guy in the car having to witness me checking for boogers in his tinted windows.