My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
You Might Also Like
Mobster: [tying a cinder block to my ankles] “You’re gonna be sleeping with the fishes…”
Me: “Umm, it’s ‘fish’.”
M: “This. This is why.”
swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
Haha good job!!
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
British websites use biscuits.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
*guitarist breaks guitar*
HELL YEAH
*drummer throws drums*
YES YES
*singer stabs a bunch of guys*
OH MY GOD
*bassist plants a bomb*
STOP
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
If you ever wondered how long it takes for an over-heated microwave burrito to cool off, the answer is 37 days.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
Food gives you energy to nap more.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!