When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
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So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Haha! 😂
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
August 8
CONTRACTOR: *shows up to my house with a paintball gun*
ME: You’re gonna paint my den with that?!
CONTRACTOR: *chewing cigar* You want it done right or done fast?
ME: *Considers* … come in.
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
Construction worker: *whistles* Damn girl, you always move like that?
Me: [crab walking] yes, I’m a Cancer
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic