[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
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– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
and the Oscar for best actor goes to me for sitting at my desk and pretending to work
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
doctor: why do you think you need this medication?
me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?