DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
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since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
On a poster in my math class “4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions” The sad thing is my first thought was “Oh good, I’m not alone!”
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.