MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
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Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
PMS: Hey, I’m not going to be coming around much anymore
ME: Yay!
PMS: Hold up
ME: What?
PMS: You’re on your way to going through the change
ME: Ahh, I’m finally going to become a butterfly
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.