*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
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A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.
I’ve never seen any of the fast/furious movies. I’m waiting til they are done, so I can watch them in reverse order, so they gradually get less insane
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
FRIEND: Women like guys that are mysterious.
{Later}
DATE: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: No.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Hear me out: a candy necklace, but with onion rings.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.