I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
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Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
me irl
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
It be like that sometimes 😆
Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
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A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.