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Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Me: Where are the zip ties and duct tape?
Costco employee: Aisle 6
Me: [squeezing his bicep] Oooo you’re beefy. Do you guys carry chloroform?
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.