I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
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me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Top 3 things that cause my 10yo the most fear and trepidation:
3. Oversized sharks
2. Rooms with large spiders in them
1. Being served a burger with mayonnaise on it
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*