Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
You Might Also Like
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
everyone has that one prude friend
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Choose your own adventure:
S O F A T H E R E Y E S P O P
Dad sees a soda?
Moving a couch for dad?
Obese girl with a vision problem?
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.